The Art of Fear
by lightningpelt
Summary: L is always calm, always collected.He has never feared.Except for once.Guilt and terror stalk the detective on a return to Wammy's House,the ghosts of a deed long past.When everything is on the line,how will he deal with the demons of the past? 4 chaps
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N) Hi all! **

**A new story. I really, really, really shouldn't be starting a new story. Oh well. This is going to be a four -shot about L, the most awesome character on the planet. Don't ask where this came from, it was some random bolt of inspiration that I can't even begin to guess at (don't you love those?). It takes place during the Kira case. **

**T for slightly disturbing themes. Nothing more. To clear things up sexual themes or anything like that. **

**I do not own Death Note. Sadly, I do not own a horse, either. TT^TT **

I crouched in headquarters, at my computer, as usual. But the case had reached a dead end, and I had lost some of my energy. Most of my attention was not on the computer screen, but on the cake I was eating. I suspected that Watari had noticed my apathy, as had Light-kun, I thought. Still, I couldn't find it in me to keep going. There didn't seem a point anymore.

My mind kept wandering to my past, of all things. It was as though the memories were angry at me, suppressing them for so long, and were now attacking me as I fell into this lull. I wondered if it was time to visit Wammy's House, just to see how everyone there was doing.

Of course that was when things started to go way, way wrong.

Askew.

Yes, that was the proper word. Things when _askew_.

A little red light in the corner of the room started to flash, and my head whipped to look at it, out of sheer reflex, though there was no purpose to the motion. I knew it was going off already, so there was no need to waste a precious moment looking at it. Still, I looked, as did everyone else in the room.

Watari came rushing in, naturally, to tell us the nature of this emergency.

"There are Kira supporters," he panted, "right outside the building. They know who's here!"

I felt a prickle of apprehension, but it was not fear. There was no reason to feel fear.

"We're all going to die!"

I barely stopped from rolling my eyes. Matsuda was… oh, what was that word?

"We need to evacuate!" Light said.

"Yes," I agreed calmly.

"Everyone, follow me," commanded Watari, and we all followed, for I trusted the older man to get us out of this situation.

We reached the bottom floor of the building without incident; I could now see the said Kira supporters, silhouetted against the windows.

Frenzied. To be in a frenzy.

Yes, Matsuda was _frenzied_.

We all piled in Watari's car easily, though Light-kun grumbled quite a bit about the fact that this car was designed to hold no more than five people, and we were now attempting to cram eight in it. I saw no problem with the present solution; Watari would have no problem getting the car out the back exit, and the… somewhat cramped conditions would soon be remedied.

Watari's driving, on the other hand, left something to be desired. We were all jolted around more than was strictly necessary, and I lost count of how many times I or someone else banged their head against a window or other human. It was quite an unpleasant experience, to say the least.

When we pulled into the driveway of Wammy's House, my day started to spiral downwards more violently than ever before. Strange how a lazy day could take such a drastic and unpleasant turn.

There were almost immediately about a dozen kids crowding around the car, and I winced as I heard cries of "L's here!" "It's L!" "Oh my gosh he's here!"

"Watari!" I said, sharper than I intended. "What is the meaning of this? Why did you bring us here?"

"L, I think you know the answer."

Of course I knew the answer. It was only the most logical and by far the safest place he could have brought us; why would he have taken us anywhere else when such an obvious option existed? I saw the two most promising children, young Mello and Near, hanging a bit back from the others, watching carefully.

"They're so cute!" Matsuda exclaimed, as we all clambered out of the car.

Indeed, they were. Some of the younger ones were only about five years or less. Some of the older ones were twelve, thirteen, even. They all seemed excited, and crowded around the rest of the taskforce, Watari and I. I picked my way through the ever-growing crowd of grasping hands and excited squeals; if I made it to where Near and Mello were standing, I might at least have a decent conversation to help me get though this whole mess. Perhaps Near would like to play some chess.

Where did I accumulate so very much bad karma?

Before I got more than a yard though the children, Watari grabbed my arm and pulled me aside, back into the car. He closed the door abruptly, and locked the doors.

"L," he said, "I just wanted to warn you about something."

"What is it?" I asked, intrigued by his somber expression and dark eyes. What could possibly hold danger, here of all places? Well, aside from tripping over a small child, perhaps.

"Well, after you left…" Watari began, and I saw guilt and uncertainly play in his eyes. "After you left the orphanage, I saw no reason… I saw no reason not to resume teaching horse-back riding to the children."

I felt the blood drain from my face.

"So… you see, L… I re-built the stables, and took in some new horses. It's not unlikely that you'll have occasion to… come in contact with one."

I seemed quite unable to move, or even speak.

I had felt apprehension earlier, but this was not apprehension. This was fear; cold hard _fear_ was worming though my insides, settling in my heart where it could effectively turn me to stone.

"T-that is alright, Watari," I finally managed, with only a slight quaver in my voice. "It will be quite alright."

I hoped.

**(A/N) So… L has a fear of horses. I wonder why… **

**Please review! Next chapter is coming soon, and L's past will be revealed! Reviewers get cookies!  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**(A/N) I had fun writing this chapter. Why? Because I enjoy pain and suffering. **

**Thanks to my fabulous reviewers orangeeclipse, LLives, and ShadowedSerenity! *hands out cookies* **

**Italics=flashback. Very important to keep that in mind in this chapter! **

**I do not own L or Death Note. I do not have a little brother, either. TT-TT **

Everyone seemed to be faring well, and I started to dare to hope that my day would start to look up.

Of course it didn't. Hope was an irrational thing that never worked out.

Matsuda was adjusting quite well, getting along great with all the children. It was to be expected, as he was little more than a child himself. Soichiro and Aizawa, the fathers, were also getting along splendidly. Light-kun had holed himself up in his room and refused to come out; the children had made a game of seeing who could get him to come out and yell at them, which was quite amusing. Mogi was… awkward, but alright. I hadn't seen Ide… but Watari had said that he would give him a tour, so I suspected that that was where he was. I was just grateful that Misa hadn't tagged along.

By the time night fell, _I_ was just trying to stay away from star struck children, and navigate to the kitchen without being mobbed. At last I succeeded, and hoped that I could at least enjoy a slice of cake without something going horribly wrong.

Karma.

You don't want bad karma.

Whatever you do, avoid it.

I don't even know what I _did_.

A boom of thunder made me jump, nearly toppling off my perch on the counter. Rain began to beat on the windows in a sudden downpour, and I felt terror grip me. I felt my body start to tremble.

I heard the shriek of the panicked animal all over again.

"Hey Lawli, you look like you've seen a ghost."

My head shot up, and I darn near choked on my cake.

Beyond stood in front of me, grinning wickedly.

I felt like I was looking in a mirror. He dressed like me, acted like me, held his body in the exact same way, not a hair straying from the exact position its twin on my head was in. He swaggered up to me; I was still unable to move. I tried to recover a calm expression, anything but the terrified one I knew I was wearing.

B chuckled. "Cat got your tongue? That's okay. I came here to talk, after all, not to listen."

B smiled cruelly, and I felt my core turn to ice. "It was on a night just like this, wasn't it, Lawli?" Beyond asked lightly. "This is just like that night, so many years ago." His eyes flashed. "I was only five, but I remember it well. Everyone remembers it. Everyone knows of your shame."

_The thunder crashed, the darkness a physical presence. I stood calmly, staring up at the sky. Storm clouds blotted out the moon and stars, leaving us in pitch black. Well, it would have been pitch black, except for the raging fire consuming the orphanage. The sounds of children and terrified animals were all around me. The crackling fire was raging, and we had to get away. The storm was about to break. _

"Watari shouldn't have trusted you," Beyond purred. "We all know that he should never have trusted you."

"_L, you're only 10! How can you do this?" _

"_Please, Watari, I am more than proficient in horse-back riding, you know that. It is a simple skill that I have long mastered." _

"_Horses aren't predictable like machines, or even people," Watari warned. "They are animals." _

"_Watari, do we have a choice?" I asked, my voice squeaking with adolescence. "We need to get the children away, and this is the fastest way. There are simply not enough adults." _

_Watari sighed, seeing my logic. I clambered up onto the palomino stallion, and took the reins with practiced ease. Watari, still looking unsure, handing me two small children, a male that I knew very well and a female that I didn't know, who I settled securely in front of me, the boy in front, clinging to the stallion's neck, and the female against my stomach. I wasn't much bigger than they were, small for my age. I could barely move the reins freely. Still, I was confidant. _

"_Lawli, you're the best!" the little boy chirped. "We're gonna be fine!" _

"_You think so?" asked the little girl. _

"_Uh huh," the boy nodded vigorously. "Nothing can beat Lawli, rain or fire or anything!" _

"_Take them to my friend's ranch, three miles down the river," Watari instructed. "That's where everyone is going." _

"_I understand." _

"What the hell were you thinking?" B sneered at me. My eyes were stretched wide with the trauma of the memory. "How could you have that pompous confidence? The pompous confidence, the blind pride, that cost so much?"

_The horse's hooves pounded on the turf, sending dirt and grass flying. The children in front of me whimpered with terror, and my muscles were tight with concentration. The wind whipped my face, and I grimaced. The forest path was the safest rout. I turned the stallion, but came up short. The forest was blazing, like an inferno of hell, like Dante had written so long ago. _

_I spun the palomino, feeling the children jostle. I ran the horse as fast as I could, but the fire was here, too. I couldn't outrun it. It was everywhere, around me, around the horse and children. I urged the tiring animal into a hard gallop; it might have killed a lesser animal. I cracked the reins, determined not to lose this race. _

_The heavens opened up with a tremendous BOOM and the rain began to come. It beat down on us, and I bent over to protect the little ones as best as I could. The splinters of water sliced my back, soaking my hair, blinding me, and making the ground slippery. I wheeled the horse around, looking for a clear path through the driving rain. _

There!_ There was a log that wasn't on fire. I knew that I had to try; even though the rain was quickly extinguishing the fire, it wasn't fast enough. The fire would reach us before it was out. I urged the palomino stallion into one last rally, and drove it towards the log. I braced myself, holding the children as tightly as I could manage, with a body as small as theirs. _

_The horse leaped. _

_My eyes narrowed in concentration; landing would be next to impossible, with the slick ground. The horse's hooves hit the turf, spraying mud. We slid, slid, skidded… and stopped. _

_The stallion was shuttering under me, but I knew it wasn't over. We had to reach that ranch! I spun the horse. _

_A huge fork of lightning crashed down, and splintered against the ground just feet in front of the horse. The brilliant flash blinded me, sparks flying and singing my face. The noise was deafening, literally, blocking out every other sound. _

_The beautiful palomino stallion panicked. It couldn't be helped. _

_I lost control of the horse._

_All three of us were thrown. The children screamed. I grabbed for them… _

_And only got one. _

_I couldn't grasp both of them. My body was simply too small, the throw simply too quick. _

_I felt my body flying through the air, and I clutched the little girl to my chest. _

_But I heard… _

_Oh I heard… _

_The boy's scream. I heard the boy's sobbing scream as I clutched the girl. _

_And then… _

_There was a sudden cry of pain, and the boy fell silent. _

_I felt my body hit the ground. I felt rocks shred my shoulders, my body torn to tatters. I felt my flesh mince, and hot blood soak my clothes. I let out a gasping cry; the ground was littered with sharp stones. Fire poured over my body, worse than the flames of the burning orphanage. I heard a hoof pound an inch from my head and then the galloping recede. _

_I looked up, holding the un-injured girl tightly. I saw a shape through the pounding rain and my own pain-blurred eyes. I crawled, holding the child to my chest. I fought the dizziness that threatened me. _

_I reached him. _

_He lay on the ground, blood all around him. His eyes were open, locked forever in the terror and agony of his final moments. _

_I went into shock. _

"_No… No!" I tore at the grass around him, my hands coloring with blood not washed away by the rain. I dragged at his body, trying to wake him, trying to get him to respond. _

_He obviously didn't. _

_His life, the life entrusted to me, had departed. _

_I dragged his body closer, and put it on my back. Burdened with two children now, a weight greater than my own body weight, I pulled my battered body forward. _

_I did not get up. My leg was broken. _

_I crawled, my hands and knees soon nothing more than tattered flesh on the rocks. I dragged my broken leg behind me, the rain driving me to the ground. I crawled, fighting unconsciousness, fighting the fact that I was losing more blood by the moment, the fact that I was as good as dead. I also fought the fact that one of the children I was carrying was dead. There was no point in carrying him. I just couldn't bring myself to leave him. _

_Because that would be admitting that he couldn't be saved. _

_I don't know how long I crawled like that, fighting, battling the truths. Watari later told me that I made it, somehow, more than a mile. I kept going for over 2 hours. _

_Of course, I was near-dead when I finally reached the ranch. I didn't even realize that I had reached the ranch. My vision was all but gone, and my body was long-numb; I didn't even feel it moving. I was barely aware of the two children I was carrying, of their weight. I felt as if my broken leg no longer existed, it had been so long since I had felt the appendage. _

_I crawled onto the ranches premises, but didn't stop. I wasn't even aware that I was now on a smooth dirt path, turned to mud by the relentless rain. A shape came toward me; I couldn't make out what it was or even fathom what it might be. It scared me. I cried out and shrunk from it, shielding the precious bodies. Something grabbed me, and I whimpered and writhed feebly. _

"_L! Lawliet, it's me!" _

_I finally recognized Watari's voice, his hands. I forced my eyes to focus, but they wouldn't clear. Everything was fuzzy and red. I could hardly see his face. _

"_T-t-t-the… chi… children…" I whispered shakily. _

"_It's alright, Lawliet. It's okay now, you're safe." _

"_Wh…at… a-about… them…?" _

"_You're safe, Lawliet, please, stop talking. Rest, please." _

_I forced my voice to work, forced myself to stay awake through the fog. "I'm safe, but… what… about the children…?" I asked. _

_Watari put a hand to my mouth. "There will be time to talk later. Now rest." _

_He wouldn't answer me. _

_That was when I finally admitted it to myself: _

_I had killed an innocent boy. _

_With my inability to control that horse, or even protect him, I had killed him. _

_I had killed my little brother. _

When the hellish memory finally released me, I was sobbing. Beyond was still beside me, his cruel laugh piercing my consciousness.

"How about that?" he said. "The person most dear to you, your only blood relation, and you killed him! How about that?"

How did I get so much bad karma?

Oh, that's right.

I killed my little brother.

**(A/N) Why do I have so much fun torturing my characters? Well, after that, I would be traumatized, too. Anyway, I hope you liked it! Reviews are very much appreciated! Reviewers get… cake with L! **


	3. Chapter 3

**(A/N) Yay! Another flashback! I do love L so very much, but torturing him is very fun. I'm really happy with this chapter, so I hope you like it! **

**Thank you to my fantastic reviewers, Miss Liar, ShadowedSerenity, and LLives! **

**As for your cake with L… hold on a minute. **

**Me: *calls* Get out here! **

**L: Why do I have to do this? **

**Me: Because I said you would! **

**L: And what gives you the right? **

**Me: Come on! You eat cake anyway, what difference will a few friends make? **

**L: Friends…? You mean fangirls who will jump on me the first chance they get. **

**Me: I'm a fangirl, and I don't jump on you. **

**L: You want to. I can see it in your eyes. **

**Me: Pwease? *doe eyes* **

**L: No. **

**Me: Would you make a liar out of me? **

**L: Yes. **

**Me: *sigh* You know, I could leak those photos I have of you. **

**L: … **

**Me: They'll be all over the internet in two hours, tops. **

**L: … **

**Me: Seriously! My hand is on the scan button! **

**L: … Fine! **

**Me: Thank you sooo much! **

**Alight, enjoy your cake with him, guys! *hands L over* **

**On with the story! **

**I do not own L, though I can manipulate him with these… *waves pictures with evil grin* **

_I spent a month and a half in the hospital after that. _

_It turned out that I had broken my femur in three places, and fractured one of my shoulder blades. _

_But I was alive. _

_And he wasn't. _

_For a week, I didn't speak. I couldn't speak. I knew, now, that I had killed him, and I was unable to hear the sound of my own voice. I refused any food that was brought, though Watari practically begged me to eat. _

_I couldn't eat. _

_If I ate, or spoke, that would be admitting that I was alive, and hadn't died with him. _

_Oh, I wished with my whole heart that I had died with him. _

_I could feel my strength slowly ebbing. I was getting weaker and weaker still, until I could barely lift my head. A combination of blood loss and injury and lack of food were killing me. _

_And I wanted to die. _

_The one thing I did allow myself to do was to cry. I cried long and hard, almost every time I was awake. But I never made a sound. I couldn't see anything but his face as we played, as we ran. He had even been cheerful as we studied. He had never frowned, only smiled. I saw his sparkling green eyes every time I was awake, every time I was asleep. _

_There was no escape. _

_I had to be with him again. _

_And I could only do that if I died. _

"M-my thoughts were… blurred…" I stammered, Beyond snickering beside me.

"Remembering your time in the hospital, hm?" he asked. "You were like me, then. Suicidal. The world didn't make sense, did it?"

"The world never made sense," I said firmly, but my voice still trembled, "and it still doesn't."

"The grief was too much for you. The _guilt_ was too much for you."

"No one could have withstood that."

Beyond laughed. "I know I couldn't have. I would have killed myself much quicker."

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my body. "But I deserved to suffer. I still deserve to suffer."

"_Please, L, please!" Watari begged, but I kept my mouth clamped shut. "Please, Lawliet! Listen to me! Do you hear my words? Can you understand me?" _

_I offered no response. I could feel my body beginning to shut down, all non-essential systems ceasing to operate. My body was trying to keep itself alive for as long as possible, but I knew it would fail. Silent tears streamed down my face, sapping my strength all the quicker. _

"_Lawliet, please! You can't blame yourself! You can't!" _

_But I killed him. _

"_Lawliet, where is your logic? Are you not thinking properly? Where is the fighting spirit you were always so proud of?" _

_My spirit is gone. It died with him. _

"_Lawliet!" Watari half-sobbed. "Please talk to me! Eat something! You'll die at this rate!" _

_Exactly. Do you not see that that is what I want, Watari? _

_I smelt cake, but it held no interest for me. I had resolved to do this, and I was going to. I was going to be with him again. _

"_Lawliet, what would your brother think?" _

_He would commend my determination, and accept my love for him. _

"_Do you think he would be happy that you're doing this?" _

_Yes. _

"_Do you think he would want you to lose your life, too?" _

_Lose my life… _

_For a moment, I doubted my plan. Was I losing my life? No, I was giving it up to be with him. _

"_Life is precious, Lawliet, I thought you understood that!" _

_Not the life of a murderer. And I am such a murderer. _

"_Lawliet! Do you think that he would want you to die? He valued life as much as you did!" _

'_Even the life of the ants, Lawliet,' he had once told me. He had stopped me from crushing one of them. 'All life is sacred, don't you think?' _

_I had smiled and answered, 'Yes, you are right.' _

'_What about criminals' lives?' he had asked me. 'What do you think about them?' _

'_Everyone deserves a lifetime, little one. That is what I believe.' _

'_Really? Me too. I believe that even the worst people should have a chance to apologize. Maybe they'll even get into heaven!' _

_Apologize… make up for what I have done… get into heaven… _

_I pondered this as I lay, killing myself, always crying, in that hospital bed. _

_My silent tears turned into sobs. _

"_I… I… I'll… I'll live… for him…" I choked out. _

_Watari looked like he was about to cry, too. He handed me a slice of strawberry cake, and I liked the gooey batter off my small thin fingers. _

"I have kept myself alive, to this day, to make amends," I confessed to Beyond. "If it wasn't for that, I would have ended my life long ago. That is all there is in my existence."

"What a noble cause!" Beyond yelped in a mocking tone.

"Yes," I answered quietly, "it is a noble cause for a tainted murderer."

I walked glumly back to my room, ignoring the shrieks of children as I wandered the halls. The sky outside was pitch black, and I was glad I was inside. I passed a large window; the wind and rain was whipping the tree against the glass in a rhythmic sloshing pattern. I grimaced at the obvious strength in the gusts.

I heard shouting from down the hall, but it didn't sound like children's voices. As I walked closer, I picked out Watari and Light-kun's voices among them. I picked up the pace to a trot, shoving all thoughts of my past forcibly out of my mind.

"What is wrong?" I demanded. Watari looked very worried, as did the other members of the taskforce, who were all gathered. No, not all of them were gathered, I corrected myself. Matsuda was missing. "Has something happened to Matsuda-san?"

Watari nodded gravely. "He and a couple of the children went into the forest, and they haven't come back. He's been sending distress signals from his belt, but isn't answering his cell phone. The signal seems to be coming from the Old Oak."

The Old Oak… I remembered that tree… it was… next to the river!

"The river…!" I gasped.

"Yes," Watari nodded, "flooding is a very real concern. The problem is we have no way of getting there. We can't take a car, and there's no one who's skilled enough on horseback…"

I was sure Watari kept talking, but I didn't hear it.

'_Gosh, Lawli!' cried Beyond. 'You've got to be the best horseback-rider in the world!' _

'_No, Beyond,' I had said. 'I'm just a good rider, that's all. There's nothing special about it.' _

"… should flood in less than 15 minutes, if the rain doesn't stop." Watari was saying.

I was numb. 15 minutes. Matsuda and the two children would be washed away in 15 minutes, at most. I started to run.

"L!" Watari yelled after me, but I didn't pause or turn. I skidded down the hallway, and tore around the corner, wrenching the door open.

The rain hit me like a wave. I was almost battered back inside, sheets of rain hitting me with unbelievable force. I struggled forward, slamming the door behind me to block out the cries of Watari. I was soaked within a few seconds. I walked, slowly, my feet sinking into two inches of mud, to the building next to the orphanage. It was wooden, and shook under the force of the rain.

I tore open the door.

It was pitch black inside, and the first thing that hit me was the smell. The scent of animals. The second thing was the sound. The sound of snuffling and scuffing hooves.

A flash of lightning provided momentary light, illuminating the stalls with horses lined along the walls. I took a deep breath and stepped forward.

_This is the only way… _I told myself over and over again. _The only way, the only way… _

Slowly, my limbs trembling slightly, I strode forward, and selected a horse.

**(A/N) Cliffy! xD I do love them… The next chapter should be up soon, but I have a few final touches I have to put on it. Reviewers get… to see these pictures! *gun clicks in background* On second thought… if you want me to live to write the final chapter, better not. xD So reviewers get Panda March cookies! They don't fight back when you bite their heads off! **


	4. Chapter 4

**(A/N) The last chapter! **

**I'm sorry this took so long! At least I got it done before school! **

**Thank you so much to my reviews ShadowedSerenity and Za3ra! *hands out Panda March cookies* **

**I do not own Death Note. I do, however, own an L plushie! *huggles L and squeals* **

I chose a bay stallion.

I bridled the chosen animal; there was no time for a saddle. As I pulled the straps tight, I began to shiver, fear flooding my senses and effectively halting any movements.

I was remembering what it was like to lose control.

_The horse reared up as the lighting crackled. I pulled at the reins, jerking them, trying to subdue the frightened animal. It was in vain, though, as the palomino was wild with panic. _

I lifted one foot, internally chastising myself. _No more of this!_ I told myself, taking hold of the reins. I hesitated, though. I doubted I could bring myself to mount.

"_Oh, wow, Lawliet! You're amazing!" _

_I looked down from my perch on the pinto mare at my little brother. He was looking up admiringly at me. _

"_Would you like a ride?" I asked, and extended a hand down to him._

Deep inside that memory, that ecstatic ride with my little brother, it hit me.

One life lost.

One soul broken.

But now…

Three lives could be saved.

And maybe… just maybe…

A soul could heal.

I mounted the horse, feeling the animal's strength as it shifted under me. The reins felt good and familiar in my hands, and a sudden confidant conviction flooded into me. I spun the bay stallion and prayed I remembered how to do it.

I dug my bare feet into the bay's side, spurring it out of the stables. My body was jostled, and I realized how strange it was to ride again. The stable doors seemed to explode as we burst through them, the stallion flying out into the storm. The wind hit us with gale-force, and the rain was like a hurricane swirling around us.

I saw Light and Watari staring, open-mouthed, as we sailed past. At any other time, I might have been amused at how dramatic I must have looked. The bay's hooves hit the turf, sending shockwaves through my body.

And then, we were flying.

The gorgeous stallion's hooves pounded relentlessly, propelling us through the torrents of rain. My body fell into the familiar rhythm of the ride, and I directed the horse without a single error. My eyes were narrowed against the rain as I urged the horse nearer to the Old Oak.

_I heard sobbing children, and fire crackled. I wheeled the horse this way and that as I fought in a desperate race._

I bend further over the bay's neck, tightening my legs around its flanks. The river was coming into sight; it was no longer a river, but a deluge of violent water, wider than I had ever seen it. It roared above even the wind and rain. But across it… I could see three huddled shapes; a large one curled around two smaller ones.

"Matsuda-saaaaaaaaan!" I yelled, pulling the stallion to a halt.

The officer's head shot up. I waved high above my head. I wouldn't have much control over my landing, and wanted to give Matsuda warning. Then, I backed the stallion up a couple of yards.

"Okay," I murmured to the stallion. "Okay, we can do this…" I patted the bay's neck. "Let's go."

I dug my heals into the stallion's side, urging it into a hard gallop. We came closer to the river with each thundering hoof beat.

The horse's hooves left the ground. For a second time stopped. The noise died down, and we were suspended in mid-air, the horse perfectly still under me. Then, we hit the ground.

For a moment, I dared to hope that the landing had gone well. Then, I felt the rear of the stallion start to slip. The bay scrambled, but its hooves sunk into the mud and it slid backwards. With a panicked cry, the horse skittered. The bay's high neigh echoed that of the palomino as we tumbled though the air.

_SPLASH!_

The bay and I hit the icy water. It buffeted my body like a typhoon, and it was all I could do to keep a one-handed grip on the reins. My body was lifted like a scrap of moss as I churned desperately. The stallion's hooves missed my skull by inches as it flailed.

I surfaced, coughing and spluttering before I went under again. The water surrounded me with a muffled roar, murky and stinging my eyes. I managed to get my head up again, but only for a moment. Dirty water filled my mouth, and I coughed up blood. Swooning, I struggled desperately against the surging torrent. I could feel my consciousness blurring as I was pummeled furiously. The reins were ripped from my grasp as I fought.

Suddenly, something grabbed me. Well… it didn't grab me… that was when I decided that I hated how insufficient the Japanese language was. There was something there, but I was still alone in the icy tide. There was something holding me, but I was still struggling. And then… I had surfaced. Gagging and spluttering, I floundered there. My logic told me that there was no way I should have been staying afloat. And yet… I was able to tread.

A surge beside me startled me, and there was the bay. I looped my half-numb arms around its neck. Before I knew how, we were lying on the muddy bank.

I was panting and shivering, my body vibrating with shock and cold. I hacked up some water and mud, red with blood, and then struggled to my feet. I mounted the bay, and glanced back at the river.

Bobbing on the water was a log. And on that log sat a child. He had dark, tousled black hair, and sparkling black eyes. His body glowed despite the storm, and there wasn't a drop of water on him. He smiled hugely and waved. I blinked water from my eyes, trying to put all this in the context of logic. It didn't fit at all.

Because I was staring at my little brother.

It was only a heartbeat before he vanished. It happened so quickly that it would have been easy to explain away.

I didn't try to, though.

Because in that instant, clear as bells, I heard his voice in my head.

With a firm nod, I wheeled the stallion away from the river. There was no fear now, simply determination. When I reached Matsuda and the children, the water was less than a foot away from them, where they huddled at the base of the Old Oak.

"Matsu-san!" I called, waving frantically.

Matsuda looked up, his eyes wide and terrified. He looked hardly capable of holding a coherent thought. I dismounted, unable to ride any farther. Quickly tying the reins to a branch of the Oak, I started to inch along.

"Matsuda!" I called again.

Slowly the officer stood, his hair soaked and hanging in his eyes. He picked up the two children as I reached them. I took one, and then grabbed Matsuda's hand. Together, we made our way back to where the horse waited.

"Get on behind me!" I commanded, mounting and then turning to help Matsuda up. "On child in front, one between us!"

The young man nodded shakily, and clambered up behind me. Then, I turned the animal and urged it on up the path. I felt Matsuda and the children cling to me. I felt the power of the bay stallion beneath me. I also felt my own strength, my own power. I was in control.

I had finally done it.

"You don't need to make amends, Lawleit," he had told me, "because it wasn't your fault. I've forgiven you long ago. Now it's your turn."

It was nearly dawn when we reached the orphanage. The sky was orange and pink. My feet were sore and bloody; I had chosen to lead the stallion on foot, as the animal was so fatigued. Matsuda and the children rode; the young officer's head was lolling.

I saw figures standing in front of the orphanage long before I could make them out. Then I picked out Watari and Light-kun, Mello and Near, and the new boy, Matt. I raised a hand as we came closer, and the five of them rushed forward.

I was nearly knocked off my feet by the children. I dropped heavily to one knee as I hugged them, exhaustion crashing over me. But it was a deep, contented exhaustion, and my heart felt strangely light.

I was finally free.

Free from the guilt.

Free from the responsibility.

And I was happy.

Watari came up and looked down at me. it was hard- is still hard –to describe what I saw in his eyes.

I saw concern; deep, parental concern.

I saw admiration; of what I didn't quite know.

I saw…

Damn the insufficient tool of language.

I saw something beyond pride, something deeper and more meaningful; something that only a parent who has watched their child do something extraordinary can feel and express.

For the first time, I felt extraordinary, too.

The great detective L… admired, exulted, romanticized and practically worshiped.

And for the very first time, I felt worthy of being alive.

Later that day, I sat, resting, eating a slice of strawberry cake. I felt…

The sunlight streamed through the window next to me, warming my body and lulling me into a half-sleep. Matsuda and the two children were being cared for, and I felt I deserved a bit of peace and rest, time to recuperate.

Complacent. To be lazily content.

Yes, I felt complacent.

The door creaked open. A young girl, maybe in her early twenties, peered in. her gray-green eyes large and soft, found me, and she smiled, her smile extenuating her beauty.

"L-sensei, may I come in?" she asked in a lyrical voice.

"Certainly," I answered, "if you tell me your name."

The girl laughed as she came fully into the room. She really was beautiful, with long legs and silver hair that sparkled when it swung. She closed the door behind her.

"I'm happy to introduce myself," she said. "I am Wammy's 'T.' You, though, may call me Tsuya, for it is my true name."

I bowed slightly, rising from my seated position. "It is a pleasure," I said. "You, as well, may call me Ryuzaki."

The girl, Tsuya, laughed again, and I smiled. I liked this young, cheerful girl.

"I simply had to meet you," Tsuya told me, her smile growing. "You truly do not disappoint."

"I'm glad for that," I said, then asked curiously, "but tell me, you look a bit old to be a star struck child. Why were you so intent on meeting me?"

Tsuya's eyes sparkled with joy. "Tsuya is my real name," she said, seeming to ignore my question, "but there is another reason I was given the letter 'T.' it stands for 'trust.' It also stands for 'time.'" Her eyes twinkled. "The time you gave me."

Everything fell into place. The odd familiar-ness of this girl; her need to meet me; what she had just said…

Once again I was crawling through the rain, clutching a frightened little girl.

"Ha!" Tsuya's face lit up with humor. "The look on your face! They say I'm good at catching people off guard, but even the great L?" Her face cleared, and she sobered. "That night it forever engrained in my memory. I know it holds terrible grief, but you will always have my respect, loyalty, and gratitude."

With an effort, I closed my mouth and wiped the dumbfounded look off my face. I smiled, and stepped forward.

"Thank you, Tsuya. That means a lot." I felt a strange urge to cry as I extended my hand.

Tsuya didn't take my hand, but instead threw her arms around me. I found myself returning the embrace.

"You've got a beautiful soul, Ryuzaki, I can see it."

"Please," I said, "you can call me Lawliet. It's my real name."

"Lawliet…" she tried out the sound of it. "I remember that now. An unusual and wonderful name for an unusual and wonderful man."

We still hadn't released each other.

I stepped back first, holding her at arm's length.

"You're so beautiful!" I exclaimed. "You've grown up so wonderfully!"

She laughed. "Thanks."

I paused for a moment, thinking. Then, I smiled.

"Would you like to go for a ride with me?"

She looked at me for a moment, seeming amazed. Then, she smiled, and took my offered hand.

"I'd love to."

THE END.

**(A/N) Done! And I'm so happy with the result! I hope you liked this little fic! Could you please tell me if you did? Reviewers get sugared strawberries! **

**I'm so sad its finally over! TT-TT  
**

**By the way, would you guys enjoying seeing more of Tsuya? Tell me if you would! **


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